The Inflection Point

“I want to know, does it bother you? / the low click of a ticking clock”

I went for a 5k run this afternoon post-work and all I could think about was death. In a place where I often do my best thinking, no music, no talking; just my brain and the pitter patter of my footsteps across eastern Charlotte – the thing all-consuming my thoughts was my mortality.

To be fair, I think I spend a lot of my days thinking about death now. I wondered throughout the pace tonight about why this had suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. I’m not a specifically anxious or morbid person. All my grandparents are still alive. By mile 3, I had the thought I may not be the only one.

In fact, I think most people in the post-modern age in their 20’s have similar existential wonderings and external wanderings at this period. If the pre-teens and teens were spent on a submarine missile, solely focused and guided down a careful orchestrated path to personal and financial wealth, then the mid twenties have to be the correction of the journey – the mindless vessel careening throughout the deep sea, viewing paths less travelled and reminiscing on those not taken.

The teens were where we grew up – it was an age and period that, if solely defined, could be wrapped up in just knowing that “we don’t know” and understanding that it’s the time for us to learn and find out. It’s a period of growth where the journey has been clearly lit, we’ve seen those before and around us succeed, and we know with hard work, we too can get there too. Not once did I think about death in my teens – too busy living life to it’s fullest, growing up with the same amount of frenetic energy and excitement, naivety to the world shielding me from the constant monotony inbound. So it’s the twenties that make us full stop. There is no guidance anymore from our elders, no hand holding from professors or teachers in the interim. Our new self-aware autonomy enlightens a sense of freedom of choice to our next stages in life.

It’s a period though of in-betweens. Too young to start a family, which one could argue, is the next stage of life on the standard path. Too old to relive the nights of our teens and early twenties. We have responsibilities now. Perhaps we grow a little sorer in the mornings, the hangovers last a little longer when the day changes. The rush to join the world fresh out of college, a newfound sense of freedom crashing against the wanderings of figuring out life in a new stage of life. You want to change the world, but you just don’t know how to start. How do you make a lasting impact when you’re unsure of resigning your lease?

Our 30’s and 40’s consist of so much more stimulus – a more critical and responsible job, a family to work for and take care of at night. It’s of my 25 year old’s belief that there are no differences at that age. One morning you may wake up at 30, and in the blink of an eye, you’re 47. No time to think about mortality. No effort in figuring out your place in the cosmic standings of time. Life will not slow down then; it’s the cyclical nature of when you were in your teens – simply too busy to stop, too much feverish energy to take it all in.

But as I run through tonight, I have nothing left on my mind but the incoming and prospectus treachery and finality of death. About a childhood I’ll never get back. About the college nights where the biggest concern I had was waking up to crawl to class. About maybe, just maybe, some of the best days of my life being behind me. It’s a sickening feeling – being that careening vessel without a clear path. But then again, that feels like life in your twenties. Too young for the big decisions, and too old to relive the bad ones of the past. Anyone living in their 20’s has to reckon with and come to peace with the fact that, for the first time, your younger years aren’t coming back. How quickly generations come and go. You can be 25 and continue to live like you’re at college, or you can put on a shirt and tie and pretend to be an adult. It’s hard to come to peace with either choice.

It’s like we’re running to the headstone. I’ll never run faster than I do at this time in my life.

CC